Hi there

On monday was my Bday and it was really a special Day to me! I got so many congrats from my beloved friends in Twitter... Never go so much in my life! But it also made me bit sad because i wished that they all could be here with me... And i also wished to get a Bday Tweet from Shah Rukh.. But it's ok.. He always get these wishes day after day. I think often from people who dont have Birthday! But every person has to know on its own, what he or she is writing.. Eberybody should be happy with hisself...

In the afternoon my mother came to embrace me, wish good luck and we had fun. In the evening my best Friend Pamela came and we baked my Bday cake for Yesterday.

My sister, her husband and their daughter (my Godchild) came yesterday bacause the lil one had playing group in the afternoon and afterwoods she is always very tired. So it was too late to come on monday and too much for the lil girl.

But yesterday it was amazing! She had so much fun, we all had it. My Mother came too, Pamela and an Ex-Boyfreind of mine. So much to laugh, eating and talk.. I really enjoyed it!

In two years i will have a very special Bday-Party! I will go to Inida then with two frineds from Twitter to meet other frineds there... And one friend is planning a big real Indian Party for me! We all will wear sari then... im so excited of it! Snd to visit India, feel the earth, smell it, touching old temples, feel the spirituality of this country... Somehow it feels so close to me, like... hmmm so close n versant.. With all my heart it pulls me to come... Cant await it.. But first i have to save the money, hope i can save enough...

So... i think this is all for today... And i dont feel so good today, little sick...

Bye bye

Hi there...

Uh.. i have missed for many days to write...

But there was nothing special to tell.. Still spending my days in looking for a job, to listen to movies with Shah Rukh Khan and to Twitter. I have found many real good friends and it is just good for me, to do that at the moment. There are still very much things that disquiet me so that i dont have much of patience with myself or things. But when I meet my friends in Twitter, i feel much better...
But even though, i feel sometimes very alone. It seems that there is no place for me to fit in, cannot find a job because nobody wants to emply a blind woman... And there is no man whos interested in me. Man can only see my handicap, not my heart. To me it seems like they only want health, seeing woman. <Mabe they think that im helpless and dpendent... I dont know. Once again one told me that im not usefull... Usefull? Hello?

At the moment i really feel like im nothing worth at all...

I ask myself, if i have to excursion in a other country, far away from Switzerland.. Maybe in a diffrent culture, with other traditions and other thinking, i would find, what im needing and searching for. How could men be so cold at heart! People like this make me more handicapped as i am!!!

So please, if u read this and if u are a man.. Think first! Think about my words and try to imagine, what this means! What it means to be left alone! To get hurtet in that way!

For women its not so hard to live with a man with a handicap... no the have patience. I know many blind people: Every man has a woman on his side, is married and have even kids! But the women... they are alone..

What a world...

Bye

Hi there

I still cannot describe, what im feeling since Shah Rukh khan has replyed me...

There is glowing a lot of hope to really meet him! Everything seems to be a bit brighter, friendlier,easier...

It ouched me very deeply, i feel a bit like Im having to angels on my shoulders sitting there... I know that he would never write something like that without meaning what he writes! Hes such an honest person, with such a great heart and love to give to people...Im sure, one Day he will write me to meet him..

It feels so special, so overwhelming... hes got soooo many followers... today1'387'685 and he wrote me! He wrote to a blind woman in switzerland whos nothing special, who felt like an nobody... Its such an honour.. I have so much respect to him, for who he is, not the star, the human..

I hope so much that i get the chance to tell him, how much he helped me without knowing about!

<love n hungs to all

Bye

Hi there

Today is the best day in my life! Something happend that i never have awaited:

My Idol, King Khan, the one and only Shah Rukh Khan has replyed one of my Tweets!!!

I'm untoldable, unbeliveable happy about that!

This morning, or afternoon at 12.30 my phone rang,  I was still in my bed, because i went to bed at 4.00am. Then my best Twitter Friend cryed into the Phone: Hey he has written to U!
First I understood only that he has written, but not to me... She said again and then I ran to my Laptop, started it and I can tell you all, It never needed so much time to start as in this moment before!
Then I searched and searched for his reply and the: there it was! Really, he has written to me, to a blind nobody from Switzerland... unbeliveable...

Will see u insha allah... thanx for ur kindness...

Still can't belive it! Im so happy... I danced, sang, cryed, loughed, all together...

I Do hope that he doesn't forget me and I really meet him... But i also think that he remember me and will meet me... fantastic feeling, I could embrace the whole world, shout out loud: Shah Rukh Khan has replyed me... Never thought that i could be as happy like this, and its a long, long time ago, i felt like this... And many many years that i have cryed tears because of happyness...

I dont know how to say how happy, proud and most notably honoured i feell. there are no word who can demonstrate that feeling... A bit like there are sitting two angels on my shoulders..

Im deeply, deeply tuched..

Bye

Hi there

A few Days are gone since i have written.

I feel every day a bit better! At least i found something that make me feel good, better from day to day.One thing is the movies with Shah Rukh khan. As more as I hear his movies, as more I get a fan... If he is a lover, bad Guy, handicapped, or a mafia boss.. it doesn't matter to me! I love every part he acts!

I follow him in Twitter and have found friends there, people who also love him, people who understand me and don't hostile me or exclude me because of blindness! People who take me as I am! And tis is so wonderful to me!

With one friend I meet every evening in Skype and we talk talk and talk, about SRK, about our feelings, about the world. It means so much to me!

And i often listen to the soundtracks of Bollywood movies, i love the sound!

so, thst's all for today!

Stay healthy and thinka about this: Blindness is not a desease who is contagious! But ignorance,hostility and excluding are very virulent!

Bye

Hi there

Many days left, since I wrote some news here. I feel better, not so much depressive. I've spent my days in listen to Shah Rukh Khan movies. And as longer as I am listening to his movies, reading Interviews or listening a documentation about him, I am getting a bigger Fan. But I am not a Teenager anymore so it is not like feeling falling on the floor, and I am not crying for an oxygen bottle, no.
I love him for his thoughts, for his attitude, for his feelings, for his love to his Kids, for his conservativeness, for his rationality and also for unrationality, for his insecurity and security, his childness and for his love to his fans. I adore him in a respectfully, seriously way. He's got such e good heart! For such hearts you sometimes have long to find if you search. He is always friendly to people, even if they don't demonstrate the respect¨to him as he does. He always takes the time for Fans. Tell me, which Hollywood Star does same! He doesn't care about the money when he is shooting a new movie, no. His only sorrow is if his fans like it.
That why I got the biggest respect to him and his work.

But I also like the sound of 'Bollywood'.

That the way I spend my days, his movies and his voice make me feel better.I also spend a lot of time in Skyping with a new friend that I've met in Twitter. We can really talk a long time! I think yesterda it was around 4 to 5 hours... She is very freidnly and kind and we both Love Shah Rukh. But there are also other things we both like or things, we are thinking the same.

One bad thing thst happend is that i start smoking again... I stopped smoking in February this year but like I've written, I felt often very sad and alone and i had always an extremely agitadet melancholia and disquiet inside me. So i began to smoke agasin. At the moment it helps... And I think that this is much better than drinking or drugs or something stupid like that.

But I also working in myself to get better, to don't loosing hope and to look forward. I know, one Day will come good things back to me!

In Twitter I have found a new way to the world and maybe I can change peoples opinion about blind people. We are not dumb, dependent or helpless! I belive in that and one day I will demonstrate it to all unbelivers!

Have a good time and if u are also hit by destiny, DON'T GIVE UP!

Bye

Hi there

The last two days were very excitng, amazing and made me happy!

For first, I have for many weeks problems with my mobile phone. It's old and it always shut down and i need to restart it about 3 times a day. Often I don't know if somebody call me, hear it hours later.
But for me it is not like for other people. Other people go in a shop, make a new contract with an mobile radiophone service or phone seller and buy one for less money.
So for me it is more difficult because I sm dependent that it is a phone where i can install a speeking/talking software. But that's the problem! Not every mpbile phone, ok only a few, are compatible for this and mostly they are older models, not easy to get. And then they are expensive and I don't have a lot of money. And that would not be all: this software, i urgently use to can handle with a mobile phone, costs a lot of money, the upgrade and buy every time for an new phone...Now I was searching for such a phone in the internet and really, it was expensive. In these modern, technically times most of mobile phones (but also other technical instruments) are used by touchscreen.
So try to imagine: If you have such a phone, close your eyes and use it! You don't want to touch it? Don't know what you are doing? Thats the thing!
Can you imagine that it is also very, very difficult to learn when you are blind? And can you figure out how important it is, as a blind person, to have a mobile phone and to use it? Introduce, you are outside, alone and something hsppens and you need help: Do you think that it is not importent to call some help?Exactly!

For this I called once again the producer to ask, if there are new phones that are testet with this software. Great, only two, also not the newest ones. And then he said: "There is a alternative to these models, i-phone! It has a talking software in it!

So I went with my mother into a shop and wanted to listen and know what? It was amazing! Such a wonderful voice, natural, not synthisized... And every move i made on the touchscreen was told! And becsause to choose something you have to touch onece to choose and to open touch double, I CAN USE IT WITHOUT PROBLEMS! Ok, sure i have to train, but with a 'normal' touchscreen mobile phone it is much more difficult... So i bought one! Never ever thought thst i would ever have a touchscreen mobile phone! And know what? I trained about 4-5 hours and I think i already know how it works! I am tricky in technical things, already before I'm blinded...

And then, to top all this, I had a packadge in my letter box with some movies with Shah Rukh Khan
that i had ordered. What a perfekt day!

And today somebody wrote me in Twitter! He is an Indian, living in Sidney, Australia. We talked a while he ask me things about blindness and he thinks that I am brave, now his freind and his star... Such a lovely person. Married with two kids. And he's also a Fan of SRK, thats connecting... Really my best, friendliest contact in twitter I had. Now hes my Indistralia friend. Someone who really wants contact, whos faithfully interested! AYnd to me, he is also intresting and I await more contact to know him...

And I also have a friend in writing e-mails... She's wonderful!
Puh, that was much, but it was importen to me to write it down. I feel much better today.

Bye-bye

Hi people

Today I had an intresting experience: Some people have written to me in Twitter, one was from India, Bangladesh.
That was really amazing to me! You have to know that I had never contact to people outside Switzerland, not per call and even not per internet. I waa creating my Twitter acount and my blog for 6 years, but i had technical problems in using it, so i had to let it be. Now, that I'm tricky in using, I can use Twitter as a window to a new world. And what happend? There is a contact to somebody in India! Just great.

It is diffrent to know that people can talk to each other, if its by telephone or internet, it's diffrent to know that these possibilities are there... £And then, after years, using it, have this possibility by my own!
It is so special and amazing because most of my time I spend alone in thinking, what bad things happend to me in my life. And now, maybe, i can find new friends, far away, on the other side of the earth!

Hope begins to take place in my heart!

And maybe a very big wish comes true and on one day i get a tweet from a person, who is very importent to me...£When this happens, a dream would have been come true... Shah Rukh Khan!

That's all for today

Kisses

Hi there

So today is a better day! I don't know what happend yesterday late at night. Suddenly I fell into the deep... Was hard to get out again! Don't want people to think that i am crazy or something... But I have a depression, that's true, and it's a disease where things like that can happen.
But I am fighting against it every day, try to don't give up!

And who knows, someday I'll find someone and it will be easier then...

Ok, once again  here
I'm feeling so deeply sad. Crying, can't stop it...

£Today i have written that i thought that i have found new friends, associated by our Love to Shah Rukh Khan, but it seems that i destoyed all. There was one word i had missunderstood, a word in an interview of SRK and everyone fell into panic. And now they are angry. And i am so soryy about, but can't change it.

But i have should known it better: thid is my life! Something good happens and after that 10 bad things! What have i did wrong in my life that always things happen to me??? I feel like I'm not having the right to be happy! Always losing things, stand alone. I don't really belive in reincarnation but what have i done in another live to earn this?

I wish so hard to be no more blind, to have a bit money to start somewhere else on the world new! As far away as i can... Everything is hopeless. No matter what I do, it is wrong. I always tried to do good things, to be a good person. In every time, people could have come to me to speak about there problems and sorrows. They always got help from me... Whenever there was somebody needing help, i was there!

But what about me? I my darkest hours there was nobody there for me! I couldn't have shown my mother or sister, how i felt because they were hurt on their own. I always have to shown that i am straigt, that i am looking forward, that i don't give up but... it was just acting, a show. And the belive it.

All others went away, in a hurry... So why isn't there someone for me? No one to embrace me? No one, to heal my broken heart??

I can't belive anymore that there will change something.

Hello there

So my second day, my second post. Yesterday evening I've found some very nice people! People who also loves Shah Rukh Khsn! As I wrote, I am a real big Fan...
Those people pick me up in there middle without asking, accepted who I am and that I am blind! They have also accepted, that I am very depressed in these times! They tried to give me hope, understanding and told me, not to give up! It's long ago that i could have this expierience...
So today I spend most of my time again with listen to a movie with SRK and also to write with those people on their homepage dunedain-srk.net/wp/.
So if you, yes you, whos reading my blog right know;-) asre a english speaking one don't wonder, it's a german speaking site! But if you are german and if you love Shah Rukh, maybe you'd like to visit the paige.<i can only Advise!

So, all for today.

Kisses Carol

Today is a very important Day for me! It's the first time I have tried to use Twitter an to create a blog.
For everybody who thinks that this seems not to be special: Yes! It is! Because of blindness I have to use a special software, a screen reading software, that reads for me, what's written on the screen. But especially in the www there are many things that don't work, many application limitations! So for me it's very hard, difficult and nerve-streching to surf in the web.
But the web means contacts to outside, means that there is the possibility to find new friends, new intrests and this is so important to me... I'm feeling often sad, alone and hopeless. Often it seems like the world is not intrest in myself. Many people only look for themselves and are happy not to connect to other problems. And not to burden onself with someone like me. It's not easy for me to go to a new place, I need help for that. But don't missunderstand: I fought hard to get back my self depandence and I reched a lot back. But some thing will last. It will never be possible to travel alone, to shop alone and some thoings more..

So because of all that it's a great day because I have reached something new!

And it is so important because in the last 2 weeks i feel once again very alone, cheerless, hopeless... Sometimes i feel nothing. Just thought that I am the living dead... But found something to let me feel again: Bollywood movies! Especially the voice of Shah Rukh Khan helps me, gives me a light in the dark. Sad that I can't tell him...

So, all for today!
Bye bye