Hi everybody

So at least I dont have really something to tell...

I just dont have really good times. Im still looking for a job, and there time is running away! I really have to find a job, otherwise I will get in huge problems. But it doesn't matter, what I try, where I make an application, I just get "Sorry, we don't have a job for you.."
For more than 2 years im searching now and i really get more hopless every day... Dont know what I shall do.. I tried to think about to do something as self employeed person, to offer at enterprises for blind or visually handicapped people my service, to help those, who are going through the same hell as i did... But theres no chance! I would need money for it, what I don't have. And then, they don't belive that there is enough to do for me. And the problem that I have to travel everywhere in Switzerland. Also not possible...

So once more, i just earn disaffirmation. I really don't know what to do because my depressions get stronger, hoplessy gets more, stagnation gets stronger. As longer it dures as more im desinterest in all. I always try to let people think that im fine and happy, but i dont want to lye anymore. But if I dont, people dont understand, get sorrows or leave me alone because they can't handle with it.

I feel so damned alone... I really really ask myself why I always have to suffer! And everytime, when I have something special, a wonderful experience, like this Event in Stuttgart, lot of things go wrong then. I fell like I don't have the right to be happy! Dont have the right to have luck!
One good thing happen and after, 5 bad things ore more happen...

I dont want to be depressive, desinterest, unhappy... I dont want to feel so alone!!!But I cant find a solution...

For what do i fight? To be alone? To rest at home? Why did I fought to get independent? If I woud not did it, more institutions will care for me. Live would have been so easy then...

Why do i have to be a fighter? For loosing all times? It doesn't make sense anymore...

It feels as if I fought for nothing, for others, that other didnt suffer with me, got sorrows about me. I lost all my friends after my blinding. Found new ones, one here with me, two far away, n many in Twitter, but i guess all dont understand. All love me if Im happy, making jokes, laughing around... But if I dont, they say "hey, why again sad?" or "what again?" with a tone of omg have to listen again to her while she complains about her life... But none of them know, how i really feel, what is really going on in my mind.. I never told anybody how i really feel, only a few things... Nobody knows how much im still suffering...My heart is still broken in thousands of peaces and all this ignorance, disaffirmation and excluding doesnt make it better.

Maybe im living in the wrong country, maybe it would be better to run away, or maybe it would have been better, if i died, like i wished so hard.. But I was too coward to change this.. still am.

$Why can someone, whos suffering not die just coz of so much pain?

And why are men so afraid of a blind woman? For seven years now I'm alone.. One day i die without love and all alone... I know, nobody will cry coz he or she lost me.. Im that much unimportent that i guess nobody will even notice that im gone... Thats how much im feeling alone,,,

I cannot act anymore that im happy!!! Why do people expect that? Even my "friends in twitter didnt notice that i really rarely tweet.. I dont have lust or power for it! I have to act there...

Theres so much pain inside me!!! I would love to shout out loud, but i cant... Coz if i do, all were gone immediately.

So maybe i have to act... Ha, i deserve an 'Oscar?, i swear!

But all this doesnt make any sense... For what to fight.. theres no more power left...

All for now.. even her, i cant write all, no words n even here, nobody will understand or just think, what a crazy, ungrateful person...

bye