Hi...

Finally I'm myself again! So happy that I overcome this crisis...!

Thats me, a fighter who doesent give up!

Hi...

Ok, dont know what exactly happend last night, why i lost myself in that way.. Why despair h hopelessness could took me into their holdings thst heavy...

I didnt slept last night, cried a lot... But suddenly i decided to fight again! I hated myself to be such a.. dont iknow what, but hated it! I will not allow despair to get me under control! I said to myself, hey, this is not you! Stand up n fight again, as ua lways did!

So i do!!! I wanna be that Caroline again, that i was weeks ago!

I WONT GIVE UP!!!

Hi

People always telling me, how stong i am, wonderful, lovely, kind, what a good heart i'm haviing, how adorable I am...

So I aks u: If i am really all this, why am i alone then? Why does nobody care then now?

I thought I have lot of friends in twitter! Helped so many ppl there, was always there when they had sorrows, tried to give love, hope, solace, whatever. They all said I love u! Ur my best friend...

Ill tell u now something: this is all shit!!! Crab, empty n meaningless words! Of all those fridns, 3 cared now!!!

What is admiration n respect worth for? Nothing, absolutely nothing.

Guess i will quit twitter, nobody will miss me there.. these 3 ok, but can hold contact in diffrent way. All other would not even notice that im gone!

Ok, will not have the possibility anymore to tweet Shah Rukh Khan, to feel closer to him, to read his tweets... That will really be missed. I will miss it, he surely not..

Nothing makes sense anymore, people only feel pity for me or mercy, that all. N thats the only thing i dont need...

I need real friends, a shoulder to lean on! But there's none. N this will never change...

It doesnt matter if im alive or if im dead, nobody will miss me...

Hi everybody

So at least I dont have really something to tell...

I just dont have really good times. Im still looking for a job, and there time is running away! I really have to find a job, otherwise I will get in huge problems. But it doesn't matter, what I try, where I make an application, I just get "Sorry, we don't have a job for you.."
For more than 2 years im searching now and i really get more hopless every day... Dont know what I shall do.. I tried to think about to do something as self employeed person, to offer at enterprises for blind or visually handicapped people my service, to help those, who are going through the same hell as i did... But theres no chance! I would need money for it, what I don't have. And then, they don't belive that there is enough to do for me. And the problem that I have to travel everywhere in Switzerland. Also not possible...

So once more, i just earn disaffirmation. I really don't know what to do because my depressions get stronger, hoplessy gets more, stagnation gets stronger. As longer it dures as more im desinterest in all. I always try to let people think that im fine and happy, but i dont want to lye anymore. But if I dont, people dont understand, get sorrows or leave me alone because they can't handle with it.

I feel so damned alone... I really really ask myself why I always have to suffer! And everytime, when I have something special, a wonderful experience, like this Event in Stuttgart, lot of things go wrong then. I fell like I don't have the right to be happy! Dont have the right to have luck!
One good thing happen and after, 5 bad things ore more happen...

I dont want to be depressive, desinterest, unhappy... I dont want to feel so alone!!!But I cant find a solution...

For what do i fight? To be alone? To rest at home? Why did I fought to get independent? If I woud not did it, more institutions will care for me. Live would have been so easy then...

Why do i have to be a fighter? For loosing all times? It doesn't make sense anymore...

It feels as if I fought for nothing, for others, that other didnt suffer with me, got sorrows about me. I lost all my friends after my blinding. Found new ones, one here with me, two far away, n many in Twitter, but i guess all dont understand. All love me if Im happy, making jokes, laughing around... But if I dont, they say "hey, why again sad?" or "what again?" with a tone of omg have to listen again to her while she complains about her life... But none of them know, how i really feel, what is really going on in my mind.. I never told anybody how i really feel, only a few things... Nobody knows how much im still suffering...My heart is still broken in thousands of peaces and all this ignorance, disaffirmation and excluding doesnt make it better.

Maybe im living in the wrong country, maybe it would be better to run away, or maybe it would have been better, if i died, like i wished so hard.. But I was too coward to change this.. still am.

$Why can someone, whos suffering not die just coz of so much pain?

And why are men so afraid of a blind woman? For seven years now I'm alone.. One day i die without love and all alone... I know, nobody will cry coz he or she lost me.. Im that much unimportent that i guess nobody will even notice that im gone... Thats how much im feeling alone,,,

I cannot act anymore that im happy!!! Why do people expect that? Even my "friends in twitter didnt notice that i really rarely tweet.. I dont have lust or power for it! I have to act there...

Theres so much pain inside me!!! I would love to shout out loud, but i cant... Coz if i do, all were gone immediately.

So maybe i have to act... Ha, i deserve an 'Oscar?, i swear!

But all this doesnt make any sense... For what to fight.. theres no more power left...

All for now.. even her, i cant write all, no words n even here, nobody will understand or just think, what a crazy, ungrateful person...

bye

Hi there

So once more its a very long time ago since i wrote here... Just didn't had something special to tell but know, I have syomething wonderful, amazing n exciting experience...

Hmmm how shall I begin?

In January i got invited to a special Event. It was a Bollywood Event with a big Show and the possibility that Shah Rukh Khan could come! At least, that didn't happend unfortunately... I was sad and disappointed coz it is my dream to meet him! As you all know I'm blind and I dont know how Shah looks.... My dream is to meet him and touching his face to to know at least, how he is looking! Thats why I was disappointed. But nevertheless, I decided to go anyway to this Event on 30.June.

In the weeks before I had to prepare a lot... Buying a new, beautyful but also as cheep as possible, gown n shoues... Time seems to be going so slowy by... And i really looked forward to the Event but in the same time was sad because i thought that my dream would never come true.

And then, on 20.June Shah had his first Radio Show at BBC Asian Network in London! Of course i was very excited to listen to him! Oh my god, first time live!!! Felt so close... Then i heard that Fans could eMail him and call him!!! Immediately I wrote a mail that ive snet again, and again.. Dont know, 50 times i guess? And I've tried to call him in the Show. After 4 times trying a women picked up the phone n I had to tell her, if I want to say hello or speak with him! Of course i wanted to talk with him n so i had to leave my question n my phone number, so that he could call back. I can tell u, at that moment I didnt knew a Question!!! N the one I had then wasn't that intrestig coz later in the Show he told ppl names, that say hello to him. He mentioned me too! OK, no call from him... I was so sad but also very happy coz he mentioned me!
20 Minutes later i was freaking out completely! He began to read mails again n to speak to those ppl. Suddenly he says:
And Caroline from Switzerland, im blind and i love ur voice so much, one day i hope to meet you n touch ur face so i will know how u look like..
Hi Caroline I love you, yes Inshah Allah  we gonna meet, and we gonna chat, and Ill sit with you, holding your hand and you can touch my face, and i will touch ur face an we'll have a big hug to hug though. Thank you so much, I love you Caroline and god bless you!
Woooooooooooooooooow!!! I couldn't belive it!!!! What lovely, kind, sweet words!!! I was crying so hard coz of happyness.. I was so deeply touched! I wasn't able to tweet anymore, my whole body was shaking, couldn't controle my hands or whatever...
NEVER was that happy before!! There were so many feeling inside me, there r no words for that! Millions have listend to him, heard his words to me n I started to belive again that i will meet him!

And then I wasn't that disappointing anymore that he wouln't come to Stuttgart to this Event. I knew I will meet him one day n so I was happy to go there n just enjoy a great Show!

It was a Show of Faraz Khan, the founder of 'The Bollywood Academy' in London. He is a dancer n actor, already worked together with Shah, Arjun Rampal and others of Bollywood. The reason was that he opens a Bollywood Academy in Germany too! So ppl who like to learn Bollywood dances, if its for fun or if they want to start a carreer, he teach them.

And I was invited as a special Guest by the Organisator (Here once again a huuuuuge Thanks to Sonju n all the others) n so me and my best friend Pamely, who guided me n was guest too, we travelled on friday 29. down to Stuttgart. As we arrived I called one of the girls who really awaited me! I had befor mail contact with some of them n they were all so happy thst i will come! So lovely n kind they were... So we arrived n I called Nadine and 5 minutes later she came to our room and a big hello happend! It was so funny! Then she told me that lots of the girls and some of the Dancers n the crew from the show will meet in the restaurant beside and that i shall come too. She had to leave then to pick up Anni at the airport. So Pamela and me packed out and went out to go to the reastaurant.

Ok, what you all maybe not belive is this fact: Pamela is veeery shy and yes, unbelivable, me too! We sood in front of the hotel n we didn't know what to do! We both were too shy to just go over there to ppl we dont know!! For surely 30-45 minutes we stood there, went closer to a group of german ppl that may go to the dinner too, waited that they talk to us, went a bit back, coz nobody of us was able just to speak to them.. So funny at least! Haha we both felt like we hsve been ordered to come but nobody picked us up...!
At least i said. "SO COME ON, WE JUST GO¨" and once again we went over, into the restaurant n stood there like two idiots.. Then sombody stood up n asked if we will come to the event too, i said yes and we sat down. Suddenly somebody came n asked if I am Caroline n the a big hello was the following moment.. They were all soooo lovely n kind to me! I heard then that Sonju will come later, the one who invited me, coz she was picking up Faraz Khan at the airport. Later, as we stood outside to smoke a cigarette (yes i smoke n i know its not healthy) She came n i said hello, embraced her n she said, "Hi, i have somebody here for u!" she gave my hand into two other hands...
A beautyful voice said: Hi Caroline, its me, Faraz. Im so happy that u came, n very happy to meet you! N then he hugged me! I flet so much love for me, it was just wooow... What a lovely, kind n nice person! N he smelt so good! Later we took some pics n had some chats.. What a man...!

I met also other very intresting n lovely ppl! Really found new friends there! Later i had lovely chats with 3 amazing ppl outside the hotel! Haha we talked til 4 o clock in the morning!
And i had a really lovely, intresting n long chat with Abbas Hasan, a singer n actor. It was first a bit akward coz I didn't knew who he is.. Never heard of him before.. But he was very kind n intersted in me n how i manage my life.
Uff n then get up at 6 to prepare us for the show, to get beautyful. Coz at 11 we had to be there.. Ok we were late, we came there at 11.40.. And the Show was amazing! I had to Dance on the stage with Nsila Mughal, the Manager of Abbas n Faraz, was so funny! Then I heard Abbas singing for the first time! I was amazed! What en entertainer n what a beautyful voice!!! Just great!!! And he came two times to me, i was sitting directly beside the stage, n touched my hand... sooo lovely! I was deeply touched of his kindness! N Faraz did it too then! And Faraz bet me a second time on the stage! It was so lovely. He daid that heres a special guest, me, and that hes very happy that i could have come. He had a gift for me, apicture of him for the wall, and he signed it for me! Soooo lovely... I was juat overwhelmed and as he asked me if I want to say something I couldnt! Was just too much love...
Later he bet me once again to join him n help him to cut the band they built on the stage, who had the meaning of dedicate the new School...  N afterwoods, they cut the cake n he feeded me with the first bite! Soooo cute of him! It was really a very special day for me! I never received so much love n kindness before in my life!!!

Then we all met us later in a hotel to have a dinner, to chat, to party.. I was shy but i asked Faraz if I may touch his face... Sonju asked him before n he said immediately yes. So we went to a more silent place where we were alone.. (coulnt do it in front of all those ppl) I can tell u, he really looks good!!!

As we were back then in the hotel, i met again my new friends n we chat again til 4 o clock in the morning! And to say goodbye was so hard n painful!!! I cryed a lot coz i was so happy with all them n i dont know when i will meet them again! Of course we changed numbers n mail to keep contact or in touch, but it hurted... I really miss them a lot!

I will never forget those wonderful moments! Never forget that love for me, the love i have for them! It was such an amazing time!!!

There were happen many things more, wonderful things but some are my secrets, my precious... Maybe one day i csn tell all, if i like to:-) Some very special moment should be my secrets coz they were all alone for me!

I hope u all understand n that u feel with me!!!

Lots of love

Hi there

Oh my god, its very very long ago that i wrote here... There was just nothing special to tel..

My days were always the same. But im am really happy about one thing: I really found lots of friends in Twitter! And some r really special and I think that these friendships will last for ever! True, warm hearted friends who take n accept me as I am!

But in the last few weeks im really having a good mood! Ok, before that i really felt bad, didn't really talk a lot even in Twittter sometimes... But now im really feeling good!

Maybe also because im hoping to a special thing??? Sure but i cant tell more about it!

What makes me really happy is that one of my beloved Twitter friends will come to visit me in the end of June!!! I cant await till she is here!!!!! Oh we surely will have a great time together, loooooot to talk, to laugh, just to share so much things!

And of course I still dream of meeting Shah Rukh Khan one day!

And now I want to thank all people, who read my blog and I want to thank those, who leave a comment here! Unfortunately I didn't find out how to answer u, once more my stupid screen reading software don't read all... But i am really thankfull to all of u!

Now i'm wishing ua all a very happy day, all the best for the future and send u lots of love! Take all care u!

bye bye

Hi there

On monday was my Bday and it was really a special Day to me! I got so many congrats from my beloved friends in Twitter... Never go so much in my life! But it also made me bit sad because i wished that they all could be here with me... And i also wished to get a Bday Tweet from Shah Rukh.. But it's ok.. He always get these wishes day after day. I think often from people who dont have Birthday! But every person has to know on its own, what he or she is writing.. Eberybody should be happy with hisself...

In the afternoon my mother came to embrace me, wish good luck and we had fun. In the evening my best Friend Pamela came and we baked my Bday cake for Yesterday.

My sister, her husband and their daughter (my Godchild) came yesterday bacause the lil one had playing group in the afternoon and afterwoods she is always very tired. So it was too late to come on monday and too much for the lil girl.

But yesterday it was amazing! She had so much fun, we all had it. My Mother came too, Pamela and an Ex-Boyfreind of mine. So much to laugh, eating and talk.. I really enjoyed it!

In two years i will have a very special Bday-Party! I will go to Inida then with two frineds from Twitter to meet other frineds there... And one friend is planning a big real Indian Party for me! We all will wear sari then... im so excited of it! Snd to visit India, feel the earth, smell it, touching old temples, feel the spirituality of this country... Somehow it feels so close to me, like... hmmm so close n versant.. With all my heart it pulls me to come... Cant await it.. But first i have to save the money, hope i can save enough...

So... i think this is all for today... And i dont feel so good today, little sick...

Bye bye